My relationship ❤

Dear My Love, 

It's about 11:15 pm on the 15th of August and all I can think about is you . We've been together for 6 months and 15 days and I'm looking forward to many more months. I really can't believe how fast time has gone by and how things have changed since I met you . I remember the first time I met you ! We were in my organic chemistry class, and Lauren brought you . We were all talking and my first thought was wow he is cute . Later I found out you were the chipotle guy haha :) We ended up making out in Lauren's bed which was soooo bad but I enjoyed it and that's when I got your number :) I later saw you at the Halloween party which was all bad but now it's so funny because we ended up together lol . You didn't talk to me for 3 weeks and the only time you talked to me is when you came to the dorm with Tara or in the boys room . It was so weird! I wanted you , I wanted to get you and I didn't know why . You were such a challenge, so unattainable that I just had to have you . So I thought about it . I thought about how I would accomplish that . We started hanging around each other but we weren't really good friends , it was awkward . Until we had that sleepover at the boys room . You slept on your mattress in the corner of the room and I slept on the couch . I was trying to sleep and you kept making that sound ! That sound that drove me up the wall and we ended up wrestling and honestly it was so hot and raw and I wanted to kiss you so bad but I didn't ...because I needed to be patient . I'm glad I didn't kiss you that night , because that's the night we learned so much about each other and connected on a level that was unbelievable . And that's the night we became Bestfriends . We then hung out all the time basically strapped at each others hips and our friends would make jokes, saying that we were dating and we would deny ..even though I liked you so much and wanted it to be true. We had that sleepover , when you came to my room unsure of the possibilities I opened the door to see you heavily intoxicated and carrying blankets and pillows . It was so adorable . I laid the makeshift bed down on the living room floor and moved our pillows apart so there was a bunch if space between us and when I went to lay down , you grabbed my pillow and put it next to you and wouldn't give it back so I laid next to you . We talked for some time about the party and other things and then we were going to sleep and you put your arms around me and pulled me close . You snuggled against my back and started roaming with your hands so I turned to face you and put my face down . But you kept roaming and I grabbed your hand and went to sleep . We then had another sleepover a day or two after . That was the night where it all began . We were both sober by the way lol. We were snuggling when I was confused on what to do , I didn't know how you felt , I just was tired of waiting and wanted to go for it because I survived through you telling me about other girls which was so hard ....but I never showed it . I lifted my face a little and I could feel your face coming down , our faces moved closer until the skin of our lips barely grazed each other and then you kissed  me with a little more force until our lips met hard and we were entangled in each other . The kiss was so passionate that I couldn't stop , I couldn't get enough , I wanted all of you . Then you started kissing my neck and stuck your hands down my pants and we started doing full on foreplay and we were about to have sex . It was touching and I said no . It wasn't right and I knew that . You were my Bestfriend , and I didn't want to lose you . I was so confused but so happy ! I couldn't stop smiling . We then had another sleepover but in your room . I was so high and you were snuggling with me . I wanted you so bad so I turned around and I kisses you and we were kissing and you stopped me . I didn't understand so I kissed you again and you sat up this time and told me no. Because Bestfriends don't do that and I was so hurt . I felt so unwanted so I told you I wouldn't do it again but I asked you why . Because we did it before and you wouldn't tell me . But then you told me... You told me you liked me but knew that I didn't feel the same and then I said it . I confessed my feelings for you and I cried. I was so happy that I cried and then we had to decide on what we wanted to do . I ended up staying the night with you every night and we started going out. You really didn't ask me which was weird ...it kinda just happened. We spent three months together full of sex and happiness but things were changing and not for the good. Things were so tense between us and I knew you were talking to other girls ...I knew the whole time but kept it to myself . And then there was the night . The night that felt like the worst night of my life . You wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't kiss me and I knew at that point that it was over because you let me leave and walk out the door . You let me go and that hurt so bad . You came to my dorm at 6 am and began to break up with me . You killed me that night ...because I was beginning to realize that I loved you and you didn't want me . I can't even describe what I was feeling at that moment but honestly it was good for us . It made me begin to care about myself and focus on my appearance and attitude . I changed everything ..... I worked out everyday until I threw up because I was so emotional I had to get rid of them with pain . I lost so much weight in 3 weeks and you noticed . I could see you look at me . And I flaunted and rubbed it in your face . I wanted you to regret your decision . I dressed differently and started being girly and to most guys desirable . I was always with a dude and I could tell you hated that . And I started to treat you like you were nothing. I ignored you and just couldn't deal with you anymore and then we all went to broncos and was super flirty with deidre and I was so annoyed and disgusted . So I went home for 4 days and I didn't talk to you for a week because you couldn't decide what you wanted and I couldn't deal with the bullshit . I came back happy and so different . We started hanging out again even tho I was unsure that I even wanted to see you . We hung out in your dorm and laid down together and you couldn't handle it . You couldn't handle being that close to me because you were starting to want me again and I would be mean to you and treat you like shit . Because that was my coverup . And then you invited me to your house when I came to the hotel party with santos . He wanted me to spend the night with him there and I made him take me to your house instead . I went there with him and honestly he wanted me . He liked me so much and I was a little infatuated . But then I got intoxicated and you showed me the bathroom downstairs . And we laid on the empty living room floor and talked . And we got closer to each other and santos came down looking for me and asked if I was coming with him home . I had to decide and I wanted to stay with you so I did . We went to your room and laid down and we snuggled and then we started talking about how much we've missed each other and how hard it's been and you told me that night that you wanted me . You wanted to be with me and we had mind blowing sex . From that point on we were together but it was different ..we were independent . We weren't so attached and I liked it . We were undercover for a while tho and I was fine with that . Cuz summer was coming and we thought we weren't going to work out in the summer . Summer happened and we left each other .  I saw you that Sunday ...two days after I went home and you said it . I walked you back to the hotel and you looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me . It was the most intense moment I have ever been in . So many emotions that all I could do was cry . I was so happy ! It was like my world was complete and I could be happy . I loved you so much at that moment . And summer continued ... We went through some rough patches with girl situations and the jake thing.   But we got through it . And then I got Riley and he made me so happy even tho he was an impulse buy, he was the best decision. You then came to visit me and I was so happy even tho all we did was sleep . We went to my Bestfriends party and you made it know that I was yours . And then you went back . And then I moved up there . I moved in with you and it's been amazing . Being with you everyday , getting to wake up with you everyday has been a blessing . And then more situations happened and it was hard ...it was hard staying there and you made me want to leave . And even at your party , the only time you acknowledged me is when I went up to you . I had to introduce myself to your friends ...because they didnt know . And that honestly made me sad... :/ and then the Kelly thing just made it worse . You honestly payed more attention to her than me that whole night and it was heart breaking but I kept going . I came back to SoCal for vacation and you left to vacation and then I learned about the Shelby thing . That was the hardest . That was almost the breaking point but I'm glad it wasn't  . These last few days have been incredible . They have honestly made me so happy and love you so much more . We became as honest as two people could be . We talked about things that that were never going to be talked about and that made us so close . Our relationship has gone from naive and struggling to amazing . I've never loved someone so much . I've never wanted to talk about the future with anyone ...have never wanted a life with anyone until you . Zachary Brian Morrissey , you are my soul mate. I am so lucky to have found you . You are the guy for me . The one guy I would give my life to, the one guy that I would want a future with . I know it won't be for a long time , but the guy to call my husband, my life partner and the father of my children . You're all that to me . You're everything and more . We are a family with Riley and I love it . I love you . And those words are overused often but from me they are true from the heart . I couldn't imagine myself without you . I don't want anyone else baby . I just want you . You're my forever ❤

Those moments

I don't know how I feel . The distance is getting to me . I love you , I really do . But I don't trust you . I think that your cheating on me . I think that you lie to me . And it's not fair to me . Don't say things you don't mean . Are you saying that you miss them too? Are you telling them that they're pretty and you want them to come over? I'll never know . All I can do is hope that you're true to me . All I can do is hope that you really mean what you say . I'm just going to distance myself a little and see if you actually do miss me, to see if I actually mean a lot to you . If I don't mean a lot to you , and if you are trying to be with other girls then I'm done . And I won't regret my decision , because I deserve someone who is going to be faithful to me . I deserve someone that is going to be with just only me, stick by me, treat me right . Be mine 

Fuck today

I had such a good day at work . It was fun and I got out of work and went to dinner with a friend. And guess what , my boyfriend gets mad at me and he can fuckin try and say he isn't , but he tweets about me . And then ignores my texts . Like really? So you can go to fuckin baseball games with girls that you like to me about but you get mad cuz I went to dinner with a guy ? And he is my friend and I told you about it . What a hypocrite. And I get home and my dad gets mad at me for not telling him and now says he might not pay my tuition for not calling . What a fuckin asshole . I'm done with everyone today . I don't want to talk to anyone . Fuck this . 

Love

Fuck . I'm so in love with him it's crazy . I've never felt this way about someone . He literally cried when we got in that fight earlier . He went straight to his room and cried and said he has never felt that bad ever in his life about anything . That he has never felt so much pain . And that's when I knew it . This guy loves me so much and doesn't want to risk losing me . So we closed the relationship . It's going to be just me and him . Which I think is what I ultimately wanted . It felt wrong hanging out with other guys and flirting with them . It felt wrong because my heart is with Zach , and that's where my mind is too . That guy is my everything, my world and I think it's going to last . If god has a plan for us, then we will end up together forever . And I would love to be with him forever . To eventually move in with each other after a couple of years . That would be amazing because I would wake up next to him every morning . I would wake up to the love of my life ❤

Done

I want to be done . I'm so fuckin heated its ridiculous . To think that just maybe things could be so good between us that you wouldn't have to be with other girls but I was wrong . And I feel lied to . I feel used and I feel like you don't love me . How am I supposed to believe you love me when your telling other girls the things you tell me . I've done everything for you, I've done backflips for you and have done everything possible to make you happy and you still can't appreciate it . I just want to be like " fuck you , I deserve someone that is going to be faithful and love me " but sadly I'm the fuckin retard that fell in love with you . I believed bullshit . I was happy , I was so happy just being with you . And now I don't even know if I want you anymore . I don't know if your worth the heartache. 

I hate it here

I fuckin hate it here . I explain to you why I came home later than I was supposed to . I texted you saying I was on my way home . And when I get home you call me a liar .And that i cant go anywhere after work , like okay i have a game and practice tomorrow . Like really?! And that I'm stupid and then you begin to say that I'm a retard . And I keep saying no I'm not and you tell me to shut my mouth and continue to badger me with names . I seriously go pee in the bathroom and you come and stand by the door and start yelling at me . Saying that I'm stupid and a retard over and over again . And then you said the reason my grades went down winter quarter is because I'm stupid and I drink too much . So you called me a fuckin alcoholic . What kind of father says that to their child ?! I fuckin hate you . I hate you so much . And as soon as I can pay for my car I'm fucking leaving and not coming back to your house . Oh and telling me "if you don't get a 3.5 or better next time you're not going to have a home to come back to in the summer next year" . And well I'm not coming home asshole . I'm staying up in the bay and getting an apartment or house . And then you're telling me "yeah right , like I'm some kind of loser" . Do me a favor and shut the fuck up . I'm not a child and if you continue to call me names and belittle me, I'm going to tell you off . And the thing that fuckin hurt the most is I tell you about Tara's suicide attempt and you say it's my fault and it's cuz Im an alcoholic and never hung out with her . Like really.  That's the worst thing you could've said to me . 

Fuck.

So obviously I suggested this open relationship so I don't know why I'm so mad right now . Like fuck . Oh some girl in a red car pulls up to your house . Her fuckin mom has to drop her off . Like how fuckin lame is that . And yeah great to find out its meaghan that girl you fucked during fall quarter . I love being told that you love me when your fucking someone else . Great great . You know what. Let the fuckin games begin .