Fuck today

I had such a good day at work . It was fun and I got out of work and went to dinner with a friend. And guess what , my boyfriend gets mad at me and he can fuckin try and say he isn't , but he tweets about me . And then ignores my texts . Like really? So you can go to fuckin baseball games with girls that you like to me about but you get mad cuz I went to dinner with a guy ? And he is my friend and I told you about it . What a hypocrite. And I get home and my dad gets mad at me for not telling him and now says he might not pay my tuition for not calling . What a fuckin asshole . I'm done with everyone today . I don't want to talk to anyone . Fuck this . 

Love

Fuck . I'm so in love with him it's crazy . I've never felt this way about someone . He literally cried when we got in that fight earlier . He went straight to his room and cried and said he has never felt that bad ever in his life about anything . That he has never felt so much pain . And that's when I knew it . This guy loves me so much and doesn't want to risk losing me . So we closed the relationship . It's going to be just me and him . Which I think is what I ultimately wanted . It felt wrong hanging out with other guys and flirting with them . It felt wrong because my heart is with Zach , and that's where my mind is too . That guy is my everything, my world and I think it's going to last . If god has a plan for us, then we will end up together forever . And I would love to be with him forever . To eventually move in with each other after a couple of years . That would be amazing because I would wake up next to him every morning . I would wake up to the love of my life ❤

Done

I want to be done . I'm so fuckin heated its ridiculous . To think that just maybe things could be so good between us that you wouldn't have to be with other girls but I was wrong . And I feel lied to . I feel used and I feel like you don't love me . How am I supposed to believe you love me when your telling other girls the things you tell me . I've done everything for you, I've done backflips for you and have done everything possible to make you happy and you still can't appreciate it . I just want to be like " fuck you , I deserve someone that is going to be faithful and love me " but sadly I'm the fuckin retard that fell in love with you . I believed bullshit . I was happy , I was so happy just being with you . And now I don't even know if I want you anymore . I don't know if your worth the heartache. 

I hate it here

I fuckin hate it here . I explain to you why I came home later than I was supposed to . I texted you saying I was on my way home . And when I get home you call me a liar .And that i cant go anywhere after work , like okay i have a game and practice tomorrow . Like really?! And that I'm stupid and then you begin to say that I'm a retard . And I keep saying no I'm not and you tell me to shut my mouth and continue to badger me with names . I seriously go pee in the bathroom and you come and stand by the door and start yelling at me . Saying that I'm stupid and a retard over and over again . And then you said the reason my grades went down winter quarter is because I'm stupid and I drink too much . So you called me a fuckin alcoholic . What kind of father says that to their child ?! I fuckin hate you . I hate you so much . And as soon as I can pay for my car I'm fucking leaving and not coming back to your house . Oh and telling me "if you don't get a 3.5 or better next time you're not going to have a home to come back to in the summer next year" . And well I'm not coming home asshole . I'm staying up in the bay and getting an apartment or house . And then you're telling me "yeah right , like I'm some kind of loser" . Do me a favor and shut the fuck up . I'm not a child and if you continue to call me names and belittle me, I'm going to tell you off . And the thing that fuckin hurt the most is I tell you about Tara's suicide attempt and you say it's my fault and it's cuz Im an alcoholic and never hung out with her . Like really.  That's the worst thing you could've said to me . 

Fuck.

So obviously I suggested this open relationship so I don't know why I'm so mad right now . Like fuck . Oh some girl in a red car pulls up to your house . Her fuckin mom has to drop her off . Like how fuckin lame is that . And yeah great to find out its meaghan that girl you fucked during fall quarter . I love being told that you love me when your fucking someone else . Great great . You know what. Let the fuckin games begin . 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder ❤

It's only been what? Like 4 days now since I've seen you . I miss you so much . Today when we face timed it made me miss you a lot . It made me so happy to see you , but sad because I couldn't physically be with you :( it sucks and I don't know what to do . I knew it was going to be hard and I know we can get through it . It's just frustrating :/ and we have 63 days left . Soon that will be like 2 . I need to have patience. And you're right, when we are together again it will be amazing ! And we will be so happy . Because we love each other . "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" . ❤

Finally ! Best moment ever

So I've been really scared for about 2 weeks. me and my boyfriend have a lot of sex and we don't use condoms and he finishes inside me . But I'm on birth control . Well the first time we had sex after we broke up, I was on that week where you don't take the pill . I was scheduled to take it the next day . But he finished inside me that night . And I was scared . My worst fear besides being an alcoholic is getting pregnant . And I was scared that I was . And especially because I was getting sick and my back was hurting really bad . And all the doctors kept asking me the same thing " are you pregnant?" I always quickly reply no !!! Well I've been scared that I was... And my boyfriend obviously doesn't know that, because there is no way in hell that I would discuss it with him . And honestly if I found out I was preggo , I think I would be too ashamed to tell him and "get it taken care of". and he would never know . Which is probably a shitty thing to do since he would have the right to know . But I just started my period right now and it's been a big stress relief . I've been stressing about it since I started getting sick . And now I'm fine and can keep things going . Woo I feel so much better now . And I hate children so there would never be that debate on keeping it . But I'm not pregnant . Thank The Lord! ❤