Done

So you make no time for me . Basically ignore me and pretty much don't even care? Well fuck you then . I'm done . I'm not going to continue to try for you if your just going to treat me like shit . You seriously don't appreciate what you have. And if you think we are even having anything in the summer your wrong . I'm so annoyed at you . I don't even want to speak to you . I'm so over this . go fuck all those other girls . Bye 

Apology

Baby you deserve an apology from me . I know that your not technically my boyfriend but baby we're together . We act the same as we did when we were official . We spend all our time together and I love that . I'm so sorry about last night. I know that what I did last night was so bad . You kicked me out for it :'( . And that really hurt . I'm sorry that I was flirty with all those guys . You literally payed me no attention accept for little moments here and there . But you watched me flirt and you did nothing . Which actually makes me mad . Because you didn't mark your territory . And I wanted you to "claim" me so bad . Maybe that's why I was like that ?. I don't know . But I will never do that to you again . I don't want to lose you again and I know you were extremely hurt by my actions . I don't want to fuck things up . Please forgive me . I will make it up to you ❤ you honestly deserve better . And I want to be better for you , so I quit drinking to show you that I'm serious about this . I know we only have two weeks till we part ways but I want to spend every day of those two weeks with you . I don't want anyone else and I know I act like I don't care and I act mean , but I do care . I care more than I want to admit . Seriously you getting mad at me today made me feel so unwanted and I wasn't able to be happy at all . I was stuck in a bad mood all day . All I wanted was to see you today . To talk to you . Snuggle with you . Kiss you . And tell you that I care about you . Ugh if you only knew ✌

My love

You seriously mean the world to me. You make me so happy . ❤❤❤❤

The day

Today has been horrible . I've been thinking about him all day . I'm really hoping and praying that I didn't fuck it up . He seems cordial with me , but he is still a little mad and he has every right to be . I'm never going to do that to him again . Cuz honestly I love him and he makes me so happy . I would do anything for him and I don't think he knows that . I have to sleep alone tonight which is going to be horrible . I always sleep better with him , he makes me feel safe . Fuck I'm so caught up with him . I seriously thought that he was just going to throw me to the curb after the shit I pulled . Stay with me baby . Please . 

Low

I've hit a new low . I'm just so unhappy right now . I feel like shit from drinking last night and I might've fucked up the only thing I care about at the moment. and now all I can think about is how bad things have gotten with me when I party. I drink till the point I black out.  I smoke all the time.  And I smoked 4 cigarettes last night.  That's disgusting.  How did I even get to this point ? Like I used to be so good, never drinking and I barely smoked. I was so grossed out by tobacco. I feel like a fucking loser . And it's totally my own fault. I feel like I'm turning into an Alcoholic. Fuck I said it and it hurts so bad to say that. I don't want to be like my dad.  I don't want drugs and alcohol to be my cope. It's even gotten in the way of my gym sessions . what the hell is wrong with me ? I'm so lost. And I feel so alone . My love won't even talk to me cuz of last night. But he fuckin just watched it all happen. Didn't stand up for me. And one of his friends bruised me by grabbing me . Like that's not okay.  I'm quitting alcohol . It's causes nothing but problems. And is affecting my life and judgements. 

My feelings

So my feelings are all over the place for you. I don't know what to feel and obviously I am the one who is supposed to know that . like I think I liked you more before we broke up and now that you're the one chasing me and wanting to be lovey dovey , I'm just like eh. But when I'm with him , he just stares into my eyes and we like connect on some weird level. We don't say anything but we can't look away from each other . So I feel like I "love" him . But do I really love him or am I infatuated by having him ? Cuz obviously at this point , I'm not in it just for sex . And we end school in two weeks and I won't see him for like 3 months . We're not dating in those 3 months . What am I doing? Do I continue this game or do I stop it before we end up getting hurt. 

Last night

Oh last night.  That is a story.  So last night I go out with my girls to a party.  And this party is only kappas and zetas so obviously I told my guy that he couldn't come. He was pretty unhappy about it but oh well, he ended up going out too. So I get there, and I meet some people and then I see it. The big ass tub of jungle juice . I was like holy shit there is no way we are about to drink that whole thing ! Well I poured myself a cup and then mobbed it to the room where my friends were . Ended up meeting my potential big bro who is fuckin legit. And his big bro is even more legit ! Well after getting my second cup of juice, nemo makes me a coke float 😍 my night was made at that point.  Went back to the room and they made me buffalo my drink.  Which is just basically chugging . Then she showed up.  Thirsty bitch came and obviously gave me a dirty look.  BITCH. you are probably one of the ugliest people I have ever known , you're a whore and no one likes you . You're a walking STD. Well anyways... Went into the other room , got medicated lol and then talked to the girls for maybe an hour . And my guy starts texting me cute stuff and it had me melting . So I went to Taco Bell at like 3 am. Came home to my love, but he got mad at me ?. Went to sleep and woke up still drunk . Good night . Tonight should be better .