Low

I've hit a new low . I'm just so unhappy right now . I feel like shit from drinking last night and I might've fucked up the only thing I care about at the moment. and now all I can think about is how bad things have gotten with me when I party. I drink till the point I black out.  I smoke all the time.  And I smoked 4 cigarettes last night.  That's disgusting.  How did I even get to this point ? Like I used to be so good, never drinking and I barely smoked. I was so grossed out by tobacco. I feel like a fucking loser . And it's totally my own fault. I feel like I'm turning into an Alcoholic. Fuck I said it and it hurts so bad to say that. I don't want to be like my dad.  I don't want drugs and alcohol to be my cope. It's even gotten in the way of my gym sessions . what the hell is wrong with me ? I'm so lost. And I feel so alone . My love won't even talk to me cuz of last night. But he fuckin just watched it all happen. Didn't stand up for me. And one of his friends bruised me by grabbing me . Like that's not okay.  I'm quitting alcohol . It's causes nothing but problems. And is affecting my life and judgements.