Bothered

Honestly it bothers me. It's bothers me that you might be with another girl . But I suggested this . I might have only said it because I think you would cheat on me over the summer . And then I would hate you and then this would never work . As much as I love and trust you....I don't trust your abilities to hold yourself back . I know you talk to other girls . I know you want to fuck other girls . And as bad as that hurts me, I will just accept it . I'm not oblivious, I know how things work . I hate that I have to just sit by and know its happening. Should I try to be with other guys ? I don't want to be with other guys . Other guys don't make me happy like you do . Whatever tho . 64 days until we're together . And hopefully it will just be me and you . Hopefully you just want to be with me and not with someone else . I do believe what you say when you tell me Im the only one that has your heart but I'm scared . I'm scared you're going to leave me . I'm scared I'm going to lose you again . But I can't pressure you . I can only act laid back and like it doesn't bother me , when it actually hurts . Because how would you feel if you were at home and I was fucking some guy? That i was holding another guys hand and he was making me feel beautiful . You wouldn't like it right ? You would be hurt right ? I can only hold on and hope for the best . I can only hope that things happened like we planned . I can only hope that I will be the only one . That it will be just you and me . I wonder how it would've been if I lived with you for the summer like you wanted . Would you cheat on me with other girls ? Would you tell them their pretty and that you want them ? Would you be faithful to me? how would I know . You hide your phone from me like you have the biggest secrets . What if I did that ? What if you asked to see my phone one day and I was like " ugh no , what's wrong with your phone". We say we don't have boundaries with each other, but we do . The phone thing is a boundary . And I trust you . I won't ever look through your texts , or look at your social media because I'm not that type of person . I just want to be able to feel like I can trust you with your phone . And the thing that really gets me is that when we are spending time together, you're on your fuckin phone . I'm trying to talk to you and you go on Instagram or twitter . And you probably don't even realize how much you do it . You do it all the time . And I just love waking up in the morning and seeing your phone go off cuz you got a text from "Shelby" or some other girl . I'm not fuckin stupid . I'm actually quite intelligent and I know when someone is going behind my back . And I know I have guy friends and they text me. But I don't flirt with them , and they know about you . They all know . They all understand. ugh it's just so frustrating