Distance makes the heart grow fonder ❤

It's only been what? Like 4 days now since I've seen you . I miss you so much . Today when we face timed it made me miss you a lot . It made me so happy to see you , but sad because I couldn't physically be with you :( it sucks and I don't know what to do . I knew it was going to be hard and I know we can get through it . It's just frustrating :/ and we have 63 days left . Soon that will be like 2 . I need to have patience. And you're right, when we are together again it will be amazing ! And we will be so happy . Because we love each other . "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" . ❤

Finally ! Best moment ever

So I've been really scared for about 2 weeks. me and my boyfriend have a lot of sex and we don't use condoms and he finishes inside me . But I'm on birth control . Well the first time we had sex after we broke up, I was on that week where you don't take the pill . I was scheduled to take it the next day . But he finished inside me that night . And I was scared . My worst fear besides being an alcoholic is getting pregnant . And I was scared that I was . And especially because I was getting sick and my back was hurting really bad . And all the doctors kept asking me the same thing " are you pregnant?" I always quickly reply no !!! Well I've been scared that I was... And my boyfriend obviously doesn't know that, because there is no way in hell that I would discuss it with him . And honestly if I found out I was preggo , I think I would be too ashamed to tell him and "get it taken care of". and he would never know . Which is probably a shitty thing to do since he would have the right to know . But I just started my period right now and it's been a big stress relief . I've been stressing about it since I started getting sick . And now I'm fine and can keep things going . Woo I feel so much better now . And I hate children so there would never be that debate on keeping it . But I'm not pregnant . Thank The Lord! ❤ 

Stop it

I need to stop with these thoughts ! I have my babe who loves me so much . And would do anything for me . I should really appreciate what I have and not nitpick on things that aren't that important . I'm getting a car and I've been looking at jobs . My dad is happy with me . I really should take advantage of the opportunity I have here . It's the summer . Time for fun shenanigans, working, training, classes and the gym . I'm done with these negative thoughts ! I'm happy . I really am . I think I'm just trying to find things wrong . I think I'm trying to make a bigger deal than it is . I tend to do that sometimes . I need to just appreciate and be happy . And look at the positives ❤ Because I suggested this. I wanted this, and he is as scared as I am . I'm just going to have fun this summer and when I'm back with him then that's that . Then we're together and I can be complete . No other guys will matter to me at that moment,  because I have him.  

Bothered

Honestly it bothers me. It's bothers me that you might be with another girl . But I suggested this . I might have only said it because I think you would cheat on me over the summer . And then I would hate you and then this would never work . As much as I love and trust you....I don't trust your abilities to hold yourself back . I know you talk to other girls . I know you want to fuck other girls . And as bad as that hurts me, I will just accept it . I'm not oblivious, I know how things work . I hate that I have to just sit by and know its happening. Should I try to be with other guys ? I don't want to be with other guys . Other guys don't make me happy like you do . Whatever tho . 64 days until we're together . And hopefully it will just be me and you . Hopefully you just want to be with me and not with someone else . I do believe what you say when you tell me Im the only one that has your heart but I'm scared . I'm scared you're going to leave me . I'm scared I'm going to lose you again . But I can't pressure you . I can only act laid back and like it doesn't bother me , when it actually hurts . Because how would you feel if you were at home and I was fucking some guy? That i was holding another guys hand and he was making me feel beautiful . You wouldn't like it right ? You would be hurt right ? I can only hold on and hope for the best . I can only hope that things happened like we planned . I can only hope that I will be the only one . That it will be just you and me . I wonder how it would've been if I lived with you for the summer like you wanted . Would you cheat on me with other girls ? Would you tell them their pretty and that you want them ? Would you be faithful to me? how would I know . You hide your phone from me like you have the biggest secrets . What if I did that ? What if you asked to see my phone one day and I was like " ugh no , what's wrong with your phone". We say we don't have boundaries with each other, but we do . The phone thing is a boundary . And I trust you . I won't ever look through your texts , or look at your social media because I'm not that type of person . I just want to be able to feel like I can trust you with your phone . And the thing that really gets me is that when we are spending time together, you're on your fuckin phone . I'm trying to talk to you and you go on Instagram or twitter . And you probably don't even realize how much you do it . You do it all the time . And I just love waking up in the morning and seeing your phone go off cuz you got a text from "Shelby" or some other girl . I'm not fuckin stupid . I'm actually quite intelligent and I know when someone is going behind my back . And I know I have guy friends and they text me. But I don't flirt with them , and they know about you . They all know . They all understand. ugh it's just so frustrating 

A little annoyed

So I go to talk to you on the phone thinking that we are going to have a good talk just me and you . And you basically talk to me for 10 minutes and then ignore me . Like cool bro ? I'll just stay on the phone ...waiting . Because you know , it's not like I didn't want to hear your voice and talk to you or anything . It's just rude and that's one of the reasons I hate talking on the phone . I hate repeating myself, I hate not being able to follow a conversation because you're not listening to me. You ask me how my day is , and I try to tell you and then you ignore me before I even get to half of it . Well thanks . Much appreciated babe . ✌

Life is turning out great ❤

So today I have been super productive ! I've looked for a car , which I think I've found :) and I've applied for at least 10 jobs and will be applying for more . I have to save up 1500 for the car . But I will pay for it myself which makes me feel really responsible ! one of the jobs even emailed me back ! Which I am stoked about :) my dad is putting me back on the insurance this week. Well life is good . Should start classes on the 24th . And my dad is finally treating me like an adult . I just have to land my interviews and check out a club swim and talk to one of the coaches about me coaching . things are really good :) and I've only been home for 2 days . Maybe god is finally letting me know what he has planned for me ❤✌

Thinking...thoughts everywhere

I can't sleep . I'm too happy to go to sleep . But I'm a little sad at the same time . I miss him :/ I'm going to miss him as the days drag on . All I can do is talk, Skype, call and snapchat until I see him again . 65 days until I can hug and kiss you . I can't wait to snuggle and spend time with you . I can't wait to just be with you and feel complete . The days will go by so quickly and then we will be together again . And to be honest , the open relationship thing hurts a little . I know that I suggested it , but I'd rather be with you than be nothing at all . And I know that when the time comes , it will just be me and you . Im not really threatened by other girls , because they haven't gone through the shit we've been through . And they don't know you like I do . What our friends said was right. We're "too much made for each other". and this summer is going to put that to the test . There's always that doubt in the back of my mind though, that you will find someone better , someone prettier, someone that will make you happier . But I guarantee , you won't find someone that will care about you more and do more for you than me . eh I had to get that off my mind . ✌❤