Fuck today

I had such a good day at work . It was fun and I got out of work and went to dinner with a friend. And guess what , my boyfriend gets mad at me and he can fuckin try and say he isn't , but he tweets about me . And then ignores my texts . Like really? So you can go to fuckin baseball games with girls that you like to me about but you get mad cuz I went to dinner with a guy ? And he is my friend and I told you about it . What a hypocrite. And I get home and my dad gets mad at me for not telling him and now says he might not pay my tuition for not calling . What a fuckin asshole . I'm done with everyone today . I don't want to talk to anyone . Fuck this . 

Love

Fuck . I'm so in love with him it's crazy . I've never felt this way about someone . He literally cried when we got in that fight earlier . He went straight to his room and cried and said he has never felt that bad ever in his life about anything . That he has never felt so much pain . And that's when I knew it . This guy loves me so much and doesn't want to risk losing me . So we closed the relationship . It's going to be just me and him . Which I think is what I ultimately wanted . It felt wrong hanging out with other guys and flirting with them . It felt wrong because my heart is with Zach , and that's where my mind is too . That guy is my everything, my world and I think it's going to last . If god has a plan for us, then we will end up together forever . And I would love to be with him forever . To eventually move in with each other after a couple of years . That would be amazing because I would wake up next to him every morning . I would wake up to the love of my life ❤

Done

I want to be done . I'm so fuckin heated its ridiculous . To think that just maybe things could be so good between us that you wouldn't have to be with other girls but I was wrong . And I feel lied to . I feel used and I feel like you don't love me . How am I supposed to believe you love me when your telling other girls the things you tell me . I've done everything for you, I've done backflips for you and have done everything possible to make you happy and you still can't appreciate it . I just want to be like " fuck you , I deserve someone that is going to be faithful and love me " but sadly I'm the fuckin retard that fell in love with you . I believed bullshit . I was happy , I was so happy just being with you . And now I don't even know if I want you anymore . I don't know if your worth the heartache. 

I hate it here

I fuckin hate it here . I explain to you why I came home later than I was supposed to . I texted you saying I was on my way home . And when I get home you call me a liar .And that i cant go anywhere after work , like okay i have a game and practice tomorrow . Like really?! And that I'm stupid and then you begin to say that I'm a retard . And I keep saying no I'm not and you tell me to shut my mouth and continue to badger me with names . I seriously go pee in the bathroom and you come and stand by the door and start yelling at me . Saying that I'm stupid and a retard over and over again . And then you said the reason my grades went down winter quarter is because I'm stupid and I drink too much . So you called me a fuckin alcoholic . What kind of father says that to their child ?! I fuckin hate you . I hate you so much . And as soon as I can pay for my car I'm fucking leaving and not coming back to your house . Oh and telling me "if you don't get a 3.5 or better next time you're not going to have a home to come back to in the summer next year" . And well I'm not coming home asshole . I'm staying up in the bay and getting an apartment or house . And then you're telling me "yeah right , like I'm some kind of loser" . Do me a favor and shut the fuck up . I'm not a child and if you continue to call me names and belittle me, I'm going to tell you off . And the thing that fuckin hurt the most is I tell you about Tara's suicide attempt and you say it's my fault and it's cuz Im an alcoholic and never hung out with her . Like really.  That's the worst thing you could've said to me . 

Fuck.

So obviously I suggested this open relationship so I don't know why I'm so mad right now . Like fuck . Oh some girl in a red car pulls up to your house . Her fuckin mom has to drop her off . Like how fuckin lame is that . And yeah great to find out its meaghan that girl you fucked during fall quarter . I love being told that you love me when your fucking someone else . Great great . You know what. Let the fuckin games begin . 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder ❤

It's only been what? Like 4 days now since I've seen you . I miss you so much . Today when we face timed it made me miss you a lot . It made me so happy to see you , but sad because I couldn't physically be with you :( it sucks and I don't know what to do . I knew it was going to be hard and I know we can get through it . It's just frustrating :/ and we have 63 days left . Soon that will be like 2 . I need to have patience. And you're right, when we are together again it will be amazing ! And we will be so happy . Because we love each other . "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" . ❤

Finally ! Best moment ever

So I've been really scared for about 2 weeks. me and my boyfriend have a lot of sex and we don't use condoms and he finishes inside me . But I'm on birth control . Well the first time we had sex after we broke up, I was on that week where you don't take the pill . I was scheduled to take it the next day . But he finished inside me that night . And I was scared . My worst fear besides being an alcoholic is getting pregnant . And I was scared that I was . And especially because I was getting sick and my back was hurting really bad . And all the doctors kept asking me the same thing " are you pregnant?" I always quickly reply no !!! Well I've been scared that I was... And my boyfriend obviously doesn't know that, because there is no way in hell that I would discuss it with him . And honestly if I found out I was preggo , I think I would be too ashamed to tell him and "get it taken care of". and he would never know . Which is probably a shitty thing to do since he would have the right to know . But I just started my period right now and it's been a big stress relief . I've been stressing about it since I started getting sick . And now I'm fine and can keep things going . Woo I feel so much better now . And I hate children so there would never be that debate on keeping it . But I'm not pregnant . Thank The Lord! ❤ 

Stop it

I need to stop with these thoughts ! I have my babe who loves me so much . And would do anything for me . I should really appreciate what I have and not nitpick on things that aren't that important . I'm getting a car and I've been looking at jobs . My dad is happy with me . I really should take advantage of the opportunity I have here . It's the summer . Time for fun shenanigans, working, training, classes and the gym . I'm done with these negative thoughts ! I'm happy . I really am . I think I'm just trying to find things wrong . I think I'm trying to make a bigger deal than it is . I tend to do that sometimes . I need to just appreciate and be happy . And look at the positives ❤ Because I suggested this. I wanted this, and he is as scared as I am . I'm just going to have fun this summer and when I'm back with him then that's that . Then we're together and I can be complete . No other guys will matter to me at that moment,  because I have him.  

Bothered

Honestly it bothers me. It's bothers me that you might be with another girl . But I suggested this . I might have only said it because I think you would cheat on me over the summer . And then I would hate you and then this would never work . As much as I love and trust you....I don't trust your abilities to hold yourself back . I know you talk to other girls . I know you want to fuck other girls . And as bad as that hurts me, I will just accept it . I'm not oblivious, I know how things work . I hate that I have to just sit by and know its happening. Should I try to be with other guys ? I don't want to be with other guys . Other guys don't make me happy like you do . Whatever tho . 64 days until we're together . And hopefully it will just be me and you . Hopefully you just want to be with me and not with someone else . I do believe what you say when you tell me Im the only one that has your heart but I'm scared . I'm scared you're going to leave me . I'm scared I'm going to lose you again . But I can't pressure you . I can only act laid back and like it doesn't bother me , when it actually hurts . Because how would you feel if you were at home and I was fucking some guy? That i was holding another guys hand and he was making me feel beautiful . You wouldn't like it right ? You would be hurt right ? I can only hold on and hope for the best . I can only hope that things happened like we planned . I can only hope that I will be the only one . That it will be just you and me . I wonder how it would've been if I lived with you for the summer like you wanted . Would you cheat on me with other girls ? Would you tell them their pretty and that you want them ? Would you be faithful to me? how would I know . You hide your phone from me like you have the biggest secrets . What if I did that ? What if you asked to see my phone one day and I was like " ugh no , what's wrong with your phone". We say we don't have boundaries with each other, but we do . The phone thing is a boundary . And I trust you . I won't ever look through your texts , or look at your social media because I'm not that type of person . I just want to be able to feel like I can trust you with your phone . And the thing that really gets me is that when we are spending time together, you're on your fuckin phone . I'm trying to talk to you and you go on Instagram or twitter . And you probably don't even realize how much you do it . You do it all the time . And I just love waking up in the morning and seeing your phone go off cuz you got a text from "Shelby" or some other girl . I'm not fuckin stupid . I'm actually quite intelligent and I know when someone is going behind my back . And I know I have guy friends and they text me. But I don't flirt with them , and they know about you . They all know . They all understand. ugh it's just so frustrating 

A little annoyed

So I go to talk to you on the phone thinking that we are going to have a good talk just me and you . And you basically talk to me for 10 minutes and then ignore me . Like cool bro ? I'll just stay on the phone ...waiting . Because you know , it's not like I didn't want to hear your voice and talk to you or anything . It's just rude and that's one of the reasons I hate talking on the phone . I hate repeating myself, I hate not being able to follow a conversation because you're not listening to me. You ask me how my day is , and I try to tell you and then you ignore me before I even get to half of it . Well thanks . Much appreciated babe . ✌

Life is turning out great ❤

So today I have been super productive ! I've looked for a car , which I think I've found :) and I've applied for at least 10 jobs and will be applying for more . I have to save up 1500 for the car . But I will pay for it myself which makes me feel really responsible ! one of the jobs even emailed me back ! Which I am stoked about :) my dad is putting me back on the insurance this week. Well life is good . Should start classes on the 24th . And my dad is finally treating me like an adult . I just have to land my interviews and check out a club swim and talk to one of the coaches about me coaching . things are really good :) and I've only been home for 2 days . Maybe god is finally letting me know what he has planned for me ❤✌

Thinking...thoughts everywhere

I can't sleep . I'm too happy to go to sleep . But I'm a little sad at the same time . I miss him :/ I'm going to miss him as the days drag on . All I can do is talk, Skype, call and snapchat until I see him again . 65 days until I can hug and kiss you . I can't wait to snuggle and spend time with you . I can't wait to just be with you and feel complete . The days will go by so quickly and then we will be together again . And to be honest , the open relationship thing hurts a little . I know that I suggested it , but I'd rather be with you than be nothing at all . And I know that when the time comes , it will just be me and you . Im not really threatened by other girls , because they haven't gone through the shit we've been through . And they don't know you like I do . What our friends said was right. We're "too much made for each other". and this summer is going to put that to the test . There's always that doubt in the back of my mind though, that you will find someone better , someone prettier, someone that will make you happier . But I guarantee , you won't find someone that will care about you more and do more for you than me . eh I had to get that off my mind . ✌❤

Happy

So I try everything to see my love today . And I am successful , my Bestfriend takes me . Seriously when I saw him , my heart beat so rapidly and I was so happy . But what happened was so unexpected . I find out he read my blog which honestly bothered me a little but he needed to see what the truth was and how much I've been going through . And I was scared that he was going to be mad or different towards me because of what I've said . But no , I walk him back to the hotel , he stares me into the eyes and tells me that he loves me . I am exploding with emotions and happiness at this moment . I felt a feeling I haven't felt ever and I didn't know how to react to it , so I cried . I cried tears of happiness because I love him back. I really do , and I can't wait to see him when I come back . I love you . I love you so much Zachary ❤✌

Bittersweet

Today was bittersweet . Today was the last day I will see Zach for 50 days . And honestly , I felt like my heart was breaking but it didn't hurt as much . Because I will be visiting him and he wants to Skype, call and text over break . We basically are in an open relationship . and I don't mind it over the summer . I just wonder how fall will turn out :) I already miss him , but it's not a goodbye . It's a see you soon . And the best feeling is when I come up , he will be waiting with open arms . He even wants me to come up early and live with him for like a week or two before school starts which I am more than okay with <3 I love him . I can honestly say that happily ❤

Sickness

So lately I have been really sick and currently for the last two days I have been unable to walk a long distance. I have had nausea, fatigue, weakness in my legs, soreness of the jaw, migraines, dizziness, blurriness of vision and extreme pain in my abdomen. At first I thought to myself that I was dying and obviously I was overreacting. So today I started looking at diseases that had my symptoms. The one that I already have is acid reflux and I thought that it had gotten really bad and developed into a severe case. I then looked at the two other ones that honestly out fear in me. Those were stomach cancer and fibromyalgia and to a 19 year old who barely finished her first year of college and an athlete it was probably the worst thing to think that I had. If I have fibromyalgia, then i cant do sports and honestly water polo is my life. If i couldn't do sports I would probably kill myself. I would be in extreme pain for the rest of my life and really what life is that to a teenager? That's a horrible life. The other one is stomach cancer. Cancer is the scariest thing that I think could happen to me. I want to live and I don't ant to have to go through chemotherapy ad lose my hair. i don't want to go through what I heard my step mom go through with her thyroid cancer. Or what I watched my grandpa Jim go through with lung cancer. I saw him wither away when i was little. I saw him take his last breath and honestly that was the hardest thing to witness as a child and especially for it to happen to someone that was so close to me in my life. I'm just so scared and I know I have my love and I know I have my family but its still a scary thought to have. I feel like i'm worrying my self with these diseases that I probably don't have but I feel like it could possibly make a turn for the worst and actually turn out worse then it is right now. What if i lose mobility in my legs? what if i have to get surgery or if I'm walking on campus one day and I just suddenly pass out and end up in the hospital. I don't want to wake up with IV's in me . I don't want to die. I don't want to be in horrible pain for the rest of my life. I don't want this.

Here

So you've been taking care of me most if the day . And here I am , laying with you in your bed, while I'm supposed to be taking a nap . And all I can think is why am I here . I don't know what you want from me . And I'm trying to keep my head down so you don't kiss me . If we don't kiss , I won't remember my feelings . I don't want things to be harder . Your making things so hard for me . 

Please just stay

So you see my tweets. Come rushing to my dorm . Hold me while I'm crying and tell me your going to my doctor appointments with me . And your getting me things I need . Your checking on me . But when you go to leave for class, you hug me for a long time , sigh . And I stare at you in the eyes because you know that I want to kiss you . And you leave my dorm upset . I know you care . Why are you being so stubborn ? Just be there with me . Be on the same page as me . You care more for me then you want to admit . 

Anger and Frustration

So today you send me some bullshit message about how you realized you were mad/hurt because "it reminded you of our initial relationship issues". Honestly that is fuckin stupid. If you really cared about this relationship then you would've been the one telling your friends something when they tried to hit on me. None of them knew that me and you were basically together and honestly that is your fault. But you were right when you said you weren't my boyfriend because technically you aren't. I literally could have kissed anyone of those guys but i am loyal and respect you so much that I would never do that. So fuckin what. I flirted? yeah its not a big deal. I seriously think the only reason you keep making all these fuckin excuses is because you want to be with other girls. I just wanted to spend my last two weeks with you before i'm gone for 3 months. After i'm gone they can fuckin have you. How about we just part ways now and you do you, and I'll do me. Have fun dude. See if i come  back ready to jump in your arms. Guarantee i won't be. Its either you stop bitching, take it easy and spend these last two weeks with me or you don't and I don't speak to you. Honestly I'm fine with both of those at this point.

Done

So you make no time for me . Basically ignore me and pretty much don't even care? Well fuck you then . I'm done . I'm not going to continue to try for you if your just going to treat me like shit . You seriously don't appreciate what you have. And if you think we are even having anything in the summer your wrong . I'm so annoyed at you . I don't even want to speak to you . I'm so over this . go fuck all those other girls . Bye 

Apology

Baby you deserve an apology from me . I know that your not technically my boyfriend but baby we're together . We act the same as we did when we were official . We spend all our time together and I love that . I'm so sorry about last night. I know that what I did last night was so bad . You kicked me out for it :'( . And that really hurt . I'm sorry that I was flirty with all those guys . You literally payed me no attention accept for little moments here and there . But you watched me flirt and you did nothing . Which actually makes me mad . Because you didn't mark your territory . And I wanted you to "claim" me so bad . Maybe that's why I was like that ?. I don't know . But I will never do that to you again . I don't want to lose you again and I know you were extremely hurt by my actions . I don't want to fuck things up . Please forgive me . I will make it up to you ❤ you honestly deserve better . And I want to be better for you , so I quit drinking to show you that I'm serious about this . I know we only have two weeks till we part ways but I want to spend every day of those two weeks with you . I don't want anyone else and I know I act like I don't care and I act mean , but I do care . I care more than I want to admit . Seriously you getting mad at me today made me feel so unwanted and I wasn't able to be happy at all . I was stuck in a bad mood all day . All I wanted was to see you today . To talk to you . Snuggle with you . Kiss you . And tell you that I care about you . Ugh if you only knew ✌

My love

You seriously mean the world to me. You make me so happy . ❤❤❤❤

The day

Today has been horrible . I've been thinking about him all day . I'm really hoping and praying that I didn't fuck it up . He seems cordial with me , but he is still a little mad and he has every right to be . I'm never going to do that to him again . Cuz honestly I love him and he makes me so happy . I would do anything for him and I don't think he knows that . I have to sleep alone tonight which is going to be horrible . I always sleep better with him , he makes me feel safe . Fuck I'm so caught up with him . I seriously thought that he was just going to throw me to the curb after the shit I pulled . Stay with me baby . Please . 

Low

I've hit a new low . I'm just so unhappy right now . I feel like shit from drinking last night and I might've fucked up the only thing I care about at the moment. and now all I can think about is how bad things have gotten with me when I party. I drink till the point I black out.  I smoke all the time.  And I smoked 4 cigarettes last night.  That's disgusting.  How did I even get to this point ? Like I used to be so good, never drinking and I barely smoked. I was so grossed out by tobacco. I feel like a fucking loser . And it's totally my own fault. I feel like I'm turning into an Alcoholic. Fuck I said it and it hurts so bad to say that. I don't want to be like my dad.  I don't want drugs and alcohol to be my cope. It's even gotten in the way of my gym sessions . what the hell is wrong with me ? I'm so lost. And I feel so alone . My love won't even talk to me cuz of last night. But he fuckin just watched it all happen. Didn't stand up for me. And one of his friends bruised me by grabbing me . Like that's not okay.  I'm quitting alcohol . It's causes nothing but problems. And is affecting my life and judgements. 

My feelings

So my feelings are all over the place for you. I don't know what to feel and obviously I am the one who is supposed to know that . like I think I liked you more before we broke up and now that you're the one chasing me and wanting to be lovey dovey , I'm just like eh. But when I'm with him , he just stares into my eyes and we like connect on some weird level. We don't say anything but we can't look away from each other . So I feel like I "love" him . But do I really love him or am I infatuated by having him ? Cuz obviously at this point , I'm not in it just for sex . And we end school in two weeks and I won't see him for like 3 months . We're not dating in those 3 months . What am I doing? Do I continue this game or do I stop it before we end up getting hurt. 

Last night

Oh last night.  That is a story.  So last night I go out with my girls to a party.  And this party is only kappas and zetas so obviously I told my guy that he couldn't come. He was pretty unhappy about it but oh well, he ended up going out too. So I get there, and I meet some people and then I see it. The big ass tub of jungle juice . I was like holy shit there is no way we are about to drink that whole thing ! Well I poured myself a cup and then mobbed it to the room where my friends were . Ended up meeting my potential big bro who is fuckin legit. And his big bro is even more legit ! Well after getting my second cup of juice, nemo makes me a coke float 😍 my night was made at that point.  Went back to the room and they made me buffalo my drink.  Which is just basically chugging . Then she showed up.  Thirsty bitch came and obviously gave me a dirty look.  BITCH. you are probably one of the ugliest people I have ever known , you're a whore and no one likes you . You're a walking STD. Well anyways... Went into the other room , got medicated lol and then talked to the girls for maybe an hour . And my guy starts texting me cute stuff and it had me melting . So I went to Taco Bell at like 3 am. Came home to my love, but he got mad at me ?. Went to sleep and woke up still drunk . Good night . Tonight should be better .